It’s the home stretch, boys and girls. Less than a week ‘til we go into the hospital and they ‘take her’, as my wife says. The phrase ‘take her’ freaks me out almost as much as the day the told us ‘when’ they would ‘take her’. You set appointments for teeth pulling or having tonsils taken out. To get one for the ‘taking of the baby’ just seems so surreal.
I have learned a lot over the past nine months. I’d like to share some of that knowledge with you, especially soon to be dads or dad’s who are planning. This is important stuff, so listen up kiddies.
First, there really is only one thing you need to remember at all times. It’s just two little words, but they can get you out of almost any sticky situation and when used regularly, can help your mommy-to-be overlook a lot of other stuff.
“Yes, dear.”
It’s that simple. If you want, you can throw in phrases like “Right away, dear.” , “Anything you want/need/desire dear” , and even “Of course, dear.”. I recommend sticking to “Yes, dear.” It pretty much covers any situation.
Now, there may be times when even “Yes. Dear.” seems weak and you feel the need to sleep with one eye open because you inadvertently committed some huge error. (I will get to those in a moment.) At times like this a sincere “You’re beautiful, dear.” can start your world revolving again and keep your hormonal and uncomfortable wife from becoming the “Preggie-nator”. But save it for emergency’s only! Over use weaken it’s strength.
That’s easy enough, right? Good. Now, listen up. I put myself in harm’s way to get the following information. I didn’t commit these acts because I am just some stupid, first time father who is insensitive and has a twisted sense of humor. I did these things for you, the daddy’s- to - be so you could learn.
These are the top ten things you should NEVER say to your pregnant partner. Keep in mind, should you slip and say them, the later into the pregnancy you do say them, the more dire the results and severe the reaction.
10. Either around the time morning sickness starts or she can’t fit into that favorite pair of jeans anymore, she will start the blame game. She will stand there and look at you after having her face in the toilet for 20 minutes or busting the zipper on her Levi’s and say ‘This is all your fault.” Should the following be the case, do NOT remind her that SHE was the one that jumped YOUR bones. Even in a playful, flirty way. You will immediately hear how “You weren’t complaining at the time.” (which you weren’t) and this just degrades into a rant on how selfish we all are as men and don’t appreciate ANY thing.
9. If you feel the need to endear her with some new nickname to suit her new condition, do not use any of the following.
A. The Incubator - This may seem cute at the time and as men we have a natural instinct to relate everything to hardware, technology, sports, and bodily functions. However, this may lead to a mild stream of expletives in which she reminds you (cause we do forget) that she is NOT a machine, does not plug in, and “the only thing that does ‘plug-in’ around here needs to have it’s plug ‘cut’”.
B. The Bun Warmer - This will only peak her curiosity on whether or not you can keep a loaf of French Bread warm in your body, which will lead to a quite graphic and vulgar description on which orifice it should be inserted into in order to carry out this experiment.
C. The Babynator - Do you really want to see HER impression of Arnold?
D. Mommy Biggest - I can’t even begin to tell you how wrong this one is and how much trouble you will find yourself in. Should it slip out, forget “Yes, dear” and “You’re beautiful, dear.” and call the florist. I found that calling the florist for three days in a row can bring things back to a relative state of calmness. Do not think you can escape and wait til she calms down by sleeping on the couch. She’s pregnant. For the next nine months, she will expect you to suffer as much as she is suffering because, as I pointed out earlier, it’s ALL your fault. (Even if she did wake you from a sound sleep on that night.)
8. NEVER point at it and say ‘Free Willy !”. There is probably a plethora of responses she might throw at you for this, up to and including her crooked finger flexing in your face as she sings a rather creepy rendition of that old Danny Kaye tune, ‘Inch Worm.”
7. NEVER , even if she lifts her shirt for you to look, to feel the baby, or to complain about her size, NEVER rub her belly and chant ‘Buddha, Buddha, Buddha’. IF you DO, do not try to ease her now furrowed brow by saying you were rubbing it for luck. It’s almost guaranteed that you will be rubbing something else all by yourself for a few weeks because your luck just ran out.
6. Do not chant “Boom-chakka-lakka-boom” each time she takes a step, no matter how funny and cute you think it is. I can’t tell you how unnerving it is to hear her chant it back to you, in your ear, at three in the morning..”BOOM chakka-lakka-BOOM!”, at some unholy decibal, while you are sound asleep. By the time you gather your senses and still your heart, she is in tears and telling you again that ‘it’s all your fault, anyway’. (Even if, on the night of conception, she did do that thing you really like while you were starting to wake up.)
5. DO NOT EVER use the term ‘Baby Batter‘. When she tells you that there will be desert after the dinner the next night, it may seem well and good. Even when you’re eating it and she is smiling at you. But trust me, when she brings up the ‘Baby Batter’ comment and you are halfway through your bowl of vanilla pudding and whipped cream, the oddest things start to happen to your gag reflex.
4. RESIST all urges to talk about that person you heard about that had twins and one managed to hide itself behind the other through three ultrasounds and nine months of exams. (If you’re having twins, don’t talk about the hidden triplet and so on and so one) You will only be told that if it is twins, it will be all your fault, as is the entire pregnancy. (Even if , on the eve of conception, as you were finally awake, she did lean over in your ear and whisper that thing that makes your heart go ‘bumpa-bump-thud’)
3. If you are of quick wit and response, I would suggest a mild to strong sedative. She may say and do things, like moan as she gets out her chair, stand there with her hands on her lower back and say “Can I just fall over, now?” and of course your immediate response, flying from your mouth faster than your Aunt Maggie can slap a nickel into a slot machine, would be “No. Weebles wobble but they can’t fall down.” This would be bad. Or she may stand, moan, put her hands on her lower back and say something quite innocent like “I am SO pregnant” and of course you will want to say “You should have thought about that when I was SO asleep and you were SO frisky.” This too would be bad, even though you are only joking. Because it was ALL your fault in the first place. (Even if, on the night of conception, she said ‘Don’t worry, I shut the kids door and locked ours’ as you finally were awake enough to participate.) (Note: If you are slow of wit and response or just preoccupied as you may often force yourself to be to avoid saying the wrong thing, do not say things like ‘I know what you mean”, “I know how you feel”, or the dreaded “I wish I could carry it for you, hun”. Eventually this will be said to the wrong woman, who will get angry enough that she will figure out a way for the man to carry it, and you will go down in history as ‘That Idiot‘.)
2. As important as “Yes, dear” is and as helpful, do NOT confuse this with “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.” She wants to know what you think, what your opinion is, what YOU prefer, even if she has already decided you are a complete idiot and don’t have a clue when it comes to the whole affair. To respond with any passive statements like ‘Whatever you want”, “Whatever you think is best” or “Whatever works for you” will lead to her sudden outburst of tears as she tells you that you ARE insensitive (and you are) and ‘you don’t care as much’ (and you don’t, you’re trying to survive is all) and of course this all degrades into how you ‘didn’t give her that option when YOU jumped HER bones that night and knocked her up (and for Pete’s sake, don’t ever say ‘knocked-up’) and got her this way. (Even if, on the night of conception, she says ‘Oh, I should wake you up like this every night’)
1. And finally, if like me, you just love to play around, do NOT go around saying to people “She’s not REALLY pregnant, she’s just faking it all to get me to massage her feet. She’ll do anything to get me to massage her feet.” She will only start about how that isn’t the only thing she fakes to how YOU fake being a half decent lover, which will lead directly to how she wants to see how funny it will be when you are changing fake sh***y diapers for the next three years, followed of course by ‘I suppose you were faking it when YOU jumped my bones that night?!?!’ Which you did. (Even if, on the night of conception, she laughed playfully and said ‘You can go back to sleep, now.’)
I hope this is of help to some of you. I don’t expect or want anything for the sacrifices I have made to gather this important information for you. The knowledge that it may prevent another father-to-be from undo stress, is satisfaction enough for me.
Go in peace and enjoy the pregnancy, for you will be blessed in the end with someone new to love. And who loves you.
If you don’t use this advice, than whatever happens to you over those nine months , of course…is all your fault.
Side note: My wife has just reviewed this article, as she does all, before I post, and I have been informed that I will NEVER be ‘woken up that way again’ (even though she didn’t wake ME up, I woke HER up) and I will be rubbing her feet tonight. I won’t go into any of the expletives that she muttered as she read it. Besides, I deserve it. It is after all, all my fault.
NEXT: Yes, I’ll tell you the name we picked.